why did u hav to leave....

The wind was blowing from somewhere in the distance...
It carried with it a faint fragrant smell of a wonderful memory...
The smell wafted in the air, as if trying to beckon me towards it...
Him... Yes, him... an image flashed in my mind repeatedly over this memory... or is it actually an illusion?
His every word, movement, the way she gazed at me... All seemed to be real once again...
The sly look he always had in his eyes, The shine The late night chats, falling asleep with each other... opening up to him and only him...
Only he could know me more than anyone else ever could... The only one I was fully at ease and comfortable with to let in completely...
When these things enter my mind now I can't sleep... not a wink...
In time, morning comes... this feeling lingering even long after the sun sets, the night passes, and the sun rises again...
Now it seems I don't have anyway of seeing or being with him ever again...
Yes, I love him... Even if my family, friends, the society, the world... and he as well, won't try to accept me...
That's not the most worriesome thing to me... What is? It feels like she is going to be reduced to just a mere memory soon, and I can't stand it... I'm scared...
he might be already thinking of me as just someone he used to know... Just a fleeting memory of no importance or impact...
The way things are going, I'm afraid my memory of him is going to be gone before I know it...
"Please don't forget me..." I want to say to him... I wonder really... has he been thinking about me?
Why? Why I ask and let out into the air softly... I wonder if I am being tested?
I remember back then... he would just say "See you later...love u" Hmmmm "See you later...love u"
With no other choice I echo his goodbye back... trying to leave all questions behind with the darkness of the night...
I think back to these thoughts, with each whiff of this fragrance in the air...
I stop myself from being taken in too deep... snapping back to reality... he isn't coming for me the tears say as they well up in my eyes...
My vision blurs just like the fading memories I don't want to loose...
Does he think that things are better this way? Being apart... I wonder... yet like the night, they both stay silent...
"Bye... Goodbye and farewell to this one-sided love..." at least that is what everyone tells me I should say and do...
His image lingers still in my head... "Thank you for loving me... It made me very happy..."
I wish I knew if I meant anything to him... Was all my love and care... how I tried my best and hardest... everything... anything...were they just all in vain?
What was that time we spent together really? There were so many things in our relationship that were so important... at least to me it seemed...
"Aren't you lonely?" I hear a voice say... Even if I am lonely, it doesn't matter... the one I want and need isn't here...
I don't care if there are hundreds or even thousands of guys that come after me... if the one I loved wasn't one of them, it wouldn't make me happy...
Trying to forget him? It won't be an easy thing... But even if there are times when I am longing to see him... like now even... when I feel so lonely that I can't stand it...
I refuse... I won't look for a substitute, for someone who reminds me of him, who resembles him in someway... because it wouldn't be him... not in the least bit...
I wonder now... if that girl I am searching for... her... only exists in my glorified memories... maybe it will be clear again if I have the chance to see him again?
I imagine scenes in my head... does he ever talk about me and think about me with others? What does he say? His conversation runs through my mind:

"There is this guy... he seems so cute... I kind of just got with him
But it turns out he was serious about me... I turn him down by saying i'll think abt it
But he said he didn't mind in a way... that he would wait... he would be my friend if that is what I need and wanted...
"Better being something and hurting somewhat, then being nothing at all and hurting completely...", he said..."
"Is that so...?"
"It's tough really for some reason... I usually am not one to care this much... he really is cute...
he's a very good person... he's a really good boy... he hasn't done anything wrong... not at all...
I really shouldn't be doing this to him... I'm doing something horrible and terrible it feels like... Like I feel guilty or something...
I wonder why...? It wasn't a serious thing for me to begin with..."
"How strange..."
"What do you mean?"
"Have you ever thought that the reason you are feeling so conflicted is because you WANT to see him? Because you have feelings for him..."
"No way! You're wrong about that... I'm not going to fall for anyone like that... I'm not usually like that ever..."
"Hmmm... is that so? You may not realize it but you have it really bad... for that guy..."
"For THAT guy..." ...for ME... the last few words echo off into the dark recesses of my mind... is she hearing them too?
Did he really love me? If he really said that as in my thoughts... if he didn't love me then he wouldn't say that it was tough for him... right?
Are these thoughts really just my thoughts? This lonely feeling just me as well? I can't tell anymore...
Ideals and fantasies versus reality hit incessantly, blending together like paint mixed onto a canvas... creating a new world...
Which is the real one now and which is the fake? Hard to really tell anymore when the lies become reality and the reality becomes a lie...
We should've spent more time together as much as possible... We should've talked about anything and everything...
Our lives, our friends, our families, our dreams for the future, our likes and dislikes... Like close best friends do...
Wish we could... is it still possible? I wonder...
I wonder so much, the thoughts swirling in my head like the faint familiar scent swirling and mixing with the beckoning breeze...
I close my eyes once more, trying maybe for a final time... my thoughts are drifting..
It may not be real but I can almost hear it in the air...

i cnt believe u hurt me sooooo badly....